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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Explanation for an Absence




Back in December when I wrote about love, I made a wish to the world for peace, health, and light in the new year. While I included myself in that collective whole, I had no idea the transformation that take place in the coming months. I had a vague sense that something would shift, but I thought it would be an external factor, like a new job or boyfriend. Turns out, the shift was internal and scary, joyful, and radiant.

After some dark moments, I started to realize that the things I wanted were within my grasp, but I was making unhealthy choices that cut me off from them. This started a slow awakening, a laborious sunrise, light that crept into the edges of my vision (Missa picked up on this in my posts). Then, something clicked. The answer was in front of me the whole time, the pieces were in place, I just needed to speak the words, and when I did, my shivers ran through my body like cold lightning.

Before I came out as an alcoholic, the idea of not drinking terrified me. I thought about everything I would lose (the friends, the loose limbs, the confidence). I looked at it like a deficit, something I would have to trudge through life without. Now, on the other side, my life is taking turns in ways I never thought possible. It's like I opened the doors and invited warmth, music, adventure, and a new sense of physicality to come and roost. The first time, I'm feeling what it's like to live wholly in the present, to engage on a corporeal level. I'm more my self than I ever have been, and it is a wondrous thing.

So, after a few months of experiencing this new way of being, I'm ready to return and dive in head first.  You are all so lovely and gracious, and it is a privilege to share my thoughts with you. Thank you thank you thank you.


21 comments:

  1. WOW. That is amazing. You are brave and wise. Most of us have dealt with addictions of one form or another. Many blessings to you on the path ahead. It's raw at times, yes. But also full of truth and beauty.
    XO

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    1. Thank you, Cory. I've spoken before about the spectrum of experience, but now I can actually, fully experience what life has to offer. Here we go.

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    1. Thank you, thank you. Your words mean a lot to me.

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  3. I'm so glad for you! all the best in your new life!

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    1. Thank you! This will be an adventure, won't it?

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    1. Thank you thank you, I do indeed feel "new."

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  5. i admire your strength, nichole. from allowing yourself to say it aloud to stepping bravely into your new life...that takes courage and real love for oneself. it's a beautiful thing.

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    1. Thank you, Jo! I'm totally digging your blog, and I look forward to connecting more!

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  6. wow! awesome nichole! i understand those fears of not drinking all too well. you are an inspiration! thank you so much for sharing this with us :D

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    1. I feel so lucky and blessed that I can share it with you! Thank you for reading!

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  7. So much courage in your words! Wishing you many beautiful and whole moments on your new journey.

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  8. Whew! Your words are powerful. Sometimes naming the thing is the first magic act needed to conquer it. I'm so happy you're on a new path and feeling so light and blessed. May your journey be wondrous indeed. And may I add that I"m happy you're back.

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    1. I'm happy to be back, to be here, to be now. Your blog has always been an inspiration, and continues to be! Thank you!

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  9. "I'm more my self than I ever have been, and it is a wondrous thing."

    Your self is brave and beautiful and I'm so happy to hear this! So beautifully expressed, as your posts always are :) Wishing you a continued sense of growth and wholeness. And yes, welcome back! Love, and of course light to you ;)

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    1. I really like how you caught on to the themes in my posts before I did! Thank you so, so much for reading and responding!

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  10. Hi Nichole, i'm so glad you are free now, and feeling such light and happiness.Missa is right, you do write beautifully, musically even. x

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    1. Thank you, that means so much to me! One of the things this new way of living has brought into my life is music! I've been writing lyrics to songs and have found band mates and people who want to make music with me! Your comment gives me confidence, thank you!

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  11. Well done Nichole on your incredible bravery!
    A big hug and warm wishes to you on life's journey,
    Emily x

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