Sunday, December 25, 2011

Ask the Angels

On my birthday this year, I received a pack of angel cards from a dear family member of mine. The box prompts you to choose a card on your birthday. The word on the card will overlight your year. 

I thought about it a moment, surrounded by family and friends and laughter and warmth, chose a card in the middle of the deck, and pulled out the word love. I felt a chord strike in my heart.

Very recently, exes and past lovers have been coming out of the woodwork. Boys I never thought I would hear from again, telling me things I desperately wanted to hear when our relationships ended. Now, the words ring like tin in my ears and taste like pennies in my mouth. Am I suspicious of these boys and their motives? Am I doubtful of their words? Am I convinced I am undeserving?

I am not any of these things. I am someone learning the hard lesson of loving themselves, of learning that acceptance and balance doesn't come from outside, but within. I spoke before of the catalyst that would make everything right in the world, and how it does not exist. The rhythms that move the world move me with them, and I am a different person than I was when I was in these relationships. I choose to not let my suspicion and doubt get the best of me. I choose to accept these sentiments with grace, even if I can't reciprocate, and I choose to let go. I trust that the person or persons I'm supposed to grow with will appear, seemingly out of thin air, like they always do.

So for the year, I wish for myself and all of you, that love infuse your life. There are many shades of love, and I hope all of them refuse to dim as the seasons pass. If you believe in angels, I wish for them to bring you your chosen vision of love. Here is to peace, health and light in the new year.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

And We Can Act Like We Come From Out of This World

I've been going to a 60's Northern soul dance party once a month in Seattle for almost four years now. My first night, I was nervous and didn't know quite what to do with my arms. I felt the music run through my body, shooting through my limbs like lightning, and I fell into the rhythm, my shoulders moving in time with my feet and my hands occasionally moving the hair out of my face. Every time I return, the dance feels natural and joyous. I get lost in the moment of sweet sweat and electric endorphins. 

A photo of me in reverie next to one of my best sister friends appeared in an alternative weekly recently. I think it captures exactly what I feel on the dance floor. Wrapped up in the moment like a cocoon, a smile creeping up the sides of my mouth, trying to catch the lights on my skin and take them with me. 

I recently discovered a new love: square dancing! Every two weeks in the neighborhood I live in, a bar hosts a square dancing night. A live band plays straw bale rhythms and a caller lilts out the directions. People are incredibly forgiving when you mess up, and it is the only time I've seen adult strangers grab each other's hands and laugh and spin, unabashedly happy. As I was swung by my partners, I felt like I was flying.

This is my love letter to dancing: the physical expression of joy, the slick sweat, the crush of bodies, the heartbeat bass, the way I feel when I spin fast and can feel the world spinning with me. Thank you.