“In the scenery of spring, there is nothing superior, nothing inferior.
Flowering branches are by nature some short, some long”. – Zen Proverb
There are five mirrors in my tiny studio apartment, not counting the reflective surfaces of the windows and my computer monitor. At work, I openly pause in front of framed posters or the microwave to adjust my hair, face, and clothes. I am aware of how I look and feel in my clothing, how my body carries its weight on my hips and my chest, how my cross bite makes my jaw hang little crooked. I poke and prod and squeeze and breathe shallow.
When
I was 22, my first “real” boyfriend broke up with me because I had gained a
little weight. I don’t exaggerate when I say a “little,” it was literally 5
pounds. But he could tell, told me I didn’t have any respect for myself, and
ended our relationship. I lost 10 pounds
in two weeks to get him back. (He ended up breaking up with me again three
months later, but that’s a different story.)
Since
then, I have struggled with the surface. Because
my weight dictated my first and one of my more significant relationships, my
mind was wired to believe that my weight dictates my happiness. Gaining a
little weight made something that I treasured disappear so quickly. What if it
happened again, or never begins in the first place, because of my weight?
This
isn’t a constant mantra, but it is a familiar one. The fear ebbs and flows,
always whispering around holidays, or when the sun disappears for months and my
activity slows. But the whispering is getting quieter, softer, weak. The more I treat myself with respect, the
more love I put into the world, the more will I have to quiet the voice. It
will take time, and it may never go away completely. I am unraveling the
thread with my fingernails, using my hands to clear away knots, softly and gently and slowly.
My goodness, that's horrible, Nichole. Someone broke up with you for that? I know it sounds cliched but I believe it to be true - if someone truly loves you, they won't offer you conditional love, based on surfaces. They will love you as a whole individual. Also, and here's another cliche but I'm realising just how true it is the older I get, if you feel good about yourself, you'll attract good people, the people you want to attract. Hugs :)
ReplyDeleteI get the issues of equating happiness and weight, lightness with perfection, hanging clothing with goodness, weightlessness with worthiness. I too have gained maybe 5 or ten pounds (which people would probably said looked good on me) and no one notices but me and somehow it feels like failure but not quite as big of a failure as it would have been maybe 5 years ago when my weight held so much more power. Making strides, even little ones, is powerful.
ReplyDeleteoh, i feel your pain. it's just so horrible that we do this to ourselves. I'm so sorry you had that experience. I really am. elise is right, even small strides carry much power (something I have to remind myself of constantly).
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