Practicing Whims

After the hubbub of the holidays, I found myself a full day with no guests, no plans, and a refrigerator full of leftovers. So I decided to have an entire day to let whims take over –  doing whatever task I felt like doing in the moment.

Here are some of the whims I had:

1. Tried and failed to fix the kitchen window. Some things aren't meant to be, like functioning double-hung windows from the 1910.

2. Washed my makeup brushes with this super simple DIY recipe.

3. Wore my dirty, dirty hair in Heidi braids.

4. Wore red lipstick.

5. Found the most flattering lighting in my apartment (standing atop the breakfast nook bench in my kitchen).

See?

6. Read about 48 entries on XOVain. I've never been one for makeup/beauty/trying new things, but once you start down the rabbit hole of product reviews, DIY remedies, "puppy eyes" eyeliner how-tos, it's hard to stop.

7. Started up Words with Friends again, after being the sorest loser when I lost my ninth game in a row.

Completely legal move made by my friend Kyle. 

8. Cleaned out my bathroom cabinet. So, so many travel-sized hand sanitizers.


It's rare and privilege that I have an entire day to myself. I used to treasure my solitude, but at one point it turned into isolation. I used to think it weak to need the company of people. Now I know it is a human (and okay) to want and need to connect. But sometimes I need to reset and recharge, and take advantage of those days when I can relish and enjoy my own company.

Let's Make A List -- One Down!

A few weeks ago I posted a list of things I would do if I lived without fear. Today, my biggest fears are failure (in my job, relationships, creative pursuits) and rejection (from strangers and intimate relations alike). In that list, I included:

• Sing an original song at open mic.  Again, I haven't actually had the opportunity yet, but I have a feeling that if I were asked I would make some kind of excuse not to do it. 

I'm happy to report that the opportunity came and I seized it! Joe and I sang a song gifted to us by his father (so not a an original song of ours -- but an original song nonetheless). Our friend captured the moment on video. My nerves made me cold, so I wrapped myself in my scarf and looked a little like a homeless, disheveled Stevie Nicks.

One down -- six to go! 

Let's Make A List

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I love lists, big fan of lists. Lists are cascading, straightforward, physical records of intention that follow a delightfully simple organizing principle. And it is also delicious to cross things off lists with beautiful red ink.

A friend of mine challenged me to make a list of things I would do if I didn't have fear. My biggest fears are failure and rejection (not so much fear of broken bones – which is why skydiving isn't on this list). So here it goes.

If I didn't have fear of failure or rejection, I would:

• Sing an original song at open mic.  Again, I haven't actually had the opportunity yet, but I have a feeling that if I were asked I would make some kind of excuse not to do it. 
• Move to a new city. I haven't been given the opportunity, but I would make every excuse not to do it, most likely. 
• Talk to strangers I find intriguing. I always want to compliment people, and for some reason I think they will be offended or find it weird. 
• Work to create the life I want. One with higher engagement, deeper connections, authentic ownership, more risks, less excuses. 
• Embrace the richness, fullness, wholeness, oneness. I have a life that is rich and beautiful, I have a disease that tells me otherwise, I have evidence of a different way of being. Instead of exploring facets, I tend to shut down or get insular, because it is easy and safe. Easy and safe is not working out for me right now. I'm getting restless.  

What does your list look like?

Mind Full or Mindful? – Exercises in Staying Present

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"Mindfulness" has been a buzzword for me lately. I've been adventuring a lot, and there's an urge to capture every moment on my camera phone, immediately scroll through and delete the unworthy photos, filter the chosen ones with soft focus and blue tones, share with the world on various platforms to show them what a great time I'm having, and then check my phone every 10 minutes to see how many "likes" or "hearts" or "favorites" I got. 

It's exhausting. 

I've shared the validation trap I often fall into, this song and dance doesn't help me stay present in the slightest. 

On many of the adventures Joe and I took this summer, we tried to be deliberate in not pulling out our phones and snapping photos (it helped that we were often in areas without service). Instead, we sat in the valley of the Gifford-Pinchot, drinking in morning fog and watching as first rays pierced through. We scrambled down fallen logs to find a clear lagoon at the base of a massive waterfall and listened to constant crash. When we visited Milla, we stargazed at the big, bright Milky Way (the brightest I had ever seen it); combed beaches and found seaglass and agate; danced to local country and bluegrass music. We often left our phones in the car – their only use were as watches, and we were on our time, so it didn't matter. 

On one of our hikes on the island, a group of ladies asked us to take their photo at one of the vistas. I peered through the viewfinder and snapped several options (landscape, portrait, golden section, etc.), and none seemed to capture what I was seeing right in front of me – the iridescent bay, the faint outline of Mount Rainier, the vultures circling in the distance. They left the vista after reviewing my photos, and my companions and I stared out over the view in silence. When I was certain the ladies were out of ear shot, I said, "There's no way you could capture this on camera." 

These exercises in staying in the present proved to be fruitful. I can more easily recall those moments in my mind – what the air tasted like, how my bare feet felt on the ground, how the waves grew bigger in the ferry wake and how their force began to scare me – because I was there. Really and truly there. 

So what would happen if, on your next adventure, you resisted the urge to capture every moment for your social media profile? Would you enjoy it any less? Would you be able to share your experience with others without using photos or video? Would your companions be curious or follow suit (or volunteer to take photos, like Milla did for Joe and I)? 

Lastly, a video to illustrate my point. 

Are You In?

Live Rhythm Tumbler 

Shapes in the Sky

Thought of you, Mary...

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July 29th Star of David Geometry: Astrological Implications and Suggestions – Gemini Astrology 

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly."
Richard Bach Illusions

A sacred geometry of water and earth elementals connect on July 29th as various planetary energies align to form a "Star of David" or a Star Tetrahedron. This is a potent geometric form that rarely occurs. Consider it a portal of awareness, providing a forum for refection and intention setting for the next 3 months. Here's the chart for this sacred geometry (set for the Moon opposing Saturn at 4:41 AM in Hawaii, 7:41 am on the West Coast, and 2:41 pm GMT; occurs on the 30th from Japan east to the International Date Line).

• On the 29th, create uplifting personal and global intentions for the next 3 months. Attune to the Tetrahedron energy. Create quiet space for reflection and contemplation.
• Ongoing ...each day, pay attention to cosmic "stop signs". If the energy feels difficult or heavy, either rest/reflect, change plans, or move in an easier direction
• Be creative. Despite the intensity, there is a lot of creative potential in the field. Use it with grace and awareness
• Be discerning about who, what, when, where and how you choose to connect with others
• Receive nurturing body care therapies such as massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, etc.
• A short, epsom salt baths (5 - 7 minutes max) at the end of the day can help you purge energies accumulated during the day. This is particularly helpful if you consider yourself "sensitive". Of particular import: staying too long in epson salt water is counter-productive to its benefits, as you'll reabsorb that which you released. If you like a long bath, add the salt at the end. Again...5 to 7 minutes max in salt water.
• Channel any pent up energy into personal exercise. Mental debates/arguments are not your friends
• Eat wholesome, organic foods and minimize over stimulating beverages, such as soda, coffee, and alcohol 
• Avoid recreational drugs. Creating illusions about illusions diminishes clarity and conscious awareness.

***

I was discussing with my mama last night the merits of being present, yet having intentions. I tend to get caught up in the granular, and used to not be able to breathe if I didn't know every detail of a plan, every action and reaction. I wasn't living, I was rigidly existing. Now, instead of exacting each step and wildly flailing when something falls out of place, I have intentions. I speak my intentions, I take the necessary steps, and I let go of the outcome. 

What are your intentions for the next three months? 

My Social Media Validation Trap

"All we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. 

What we think we become." –Gautama Buddha 

I've been a creature of comparison for as long as I can remember. I've written about my struggles with imagined self-worth based on my job, my relationship status, my degree. And while I'm no longer living in that den of thieves, I still vacation there every once in a while, and have fallen into the trap of pivoting my happiness on how people look like they're doing on Facebook.

I deliberately say "look like" here, because I cannot believe people's lives are all sepia-toned pancakes and soft-focus chuppahs (honestly, you got married over a year ago, it's time to change your profile picture, and not to yet another wedding photo). Below is a great Portlandia sketch to illustrate my point.

I am all for sharing celebrations, successes, beautiful images, and important news on social media. That's what it should be for—spreading a little joy. The problem is not in what people post, it's how I choose to react to it. Shifting my perspective from, "Fuck, look at what all these beautiful people are doing 24/7 without me!" to, "Look at what these beautiful people are doing!" anchors what I'm seeing in a little reality. Because we can never, ever tell what people's motivations are for anything, unless we ask and we choose to believe their answer. And likely, they're not posting updates to make me jealous. Likely, they're not thinking about me. Likely, they have their own insecurities and doubts and fears and think getting 27 likes on their photo may buoy their self esteem for a bit.

There is also something to be said for when I check Facebook. I work at a desk and have gotten into the horrible habit of auto-typing "command-T-F" whenever I want a distraction. So I'm in one of my more vulnerable arenas doing the comparison dance upwards of 11 times a day. Am I a masochist? This wasn't providing the distraction I wanted, and despite feeling fulfilled, challenged, and happy with my job, I kept thinking, "Why aren't I manning the first all women astronaut team to the moon? I'm such a failure!"

 So with a little self discipline, I've stopped doing this dance at work. Instead, I have the Positive Affirmations tumblr always open on my browser. When I feel the need for a distraction, I pop that up and soak in some goodness. I truly believe we become what we think. Why not think I'm beautiful, grateful, capable and worthy of loving myself and others? Below are a few of my favorites.

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I'd Like To Find A Way to Love You

Right now, I'm sitting in my underwear, with dramatic cat-eye eyeliner sharpening my eyes, listening to  the second album I've made with Joe, and this all seems so wild and crazy as this makeup (the eyeliner was a whim—I've been watching a lot of Mad Men).

I've been absent from Blogland (pronounced "blahglund") for good reason. Since making the shift last year, my world has burst like a firework—opportunities have risen, love for myself and others has blossomed, and I'm processing everything raw and unfiltered for the first time in my life. As I'm circling back on a year, my values are emerging, as are those activities I want to develop into healthy habits. One of those is sharing and connecting with others, and I can participate in the collective conversation through this blog.

So there will be more on my sobriety when (by the grace of God*) I reach one year. For now, my reentry may not be super smooth, but I'd like to say "Hi again!" with our celebratory summer album, You Win Summer, You Lose Summer, available below! And check out a little video we made to accompany one of our favorite tracks on the album.

Love!







*Again, I feel the need to mention that I use God here as a placeholder for my higher power. I haven't found a word that captures what I'm trying to express more aptly than God. One of my friends uses Guide, which I love, but gets lost in translation without context. 

Kitchen Witch

There is something about the month of January that inspires me to cook on hyperdrive. I think it started many years ago when I received Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle for Christmas, and devoured the entire thing in two sittings. For the unfamiliar, Kingsolver and her family moved from the Southwestern United States to an Appalachian farm, and challenged themselves to either grow, tend, and make all their food, or personally know the supplier. I went back to Seattle inspired to buy locally sourced ingredients and make all my meals from scratch for the month of January. Ever since, the impulse to be more creative in the kitchen has hit at the beginning of the new year.

And since my new apartment comes with a beautiful gas range stove and oven, I've been spending more time in the kitchen roasting, mixing, dashing, baking, and creating.

Here are a few of my favorite recipes! Note: the quantities vary on what I have in my kitchen, so none are included here.

Roasted Vegetable and Couscous Winter Salad



Carrots
Cauliflower
Broccoli
Shallots
Arugula 
Olive oil
Salt
Couscous, cooked
Ginger sesame dressing (recipe here)

Coat carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, and shallots in olive oil and add two pinches of salt. Roast at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Toss in bowl with cooked couscous, arugula, and ginger sesame dressing.

Cheeseless Mushroom Pizza with Lemon Herbed Arugula



Pizza dough (recipe here)
Pizza sauce (recipe here)
Mushrooms
Olive oil
Arugula
Juice of half a lemon
Dried oregano
Dried basil

Sautee mushrooms in olive oil for about 3 minutes. Arrange on top of fresh pizza dough and sauce and bake per recipe. Toss lemon juice, arugula, dried oregano, and dried basil, arranged on top of cooked pizza.

Lentil, Sausage, and Kale Winter Salad with Dijon Dressing 



Green lentils, cooked
Sausage, browned
Kale
Onions
Olive oil
Garlic
Red wine vinegar
Dijon mustard
Salt

Sautee onions in olive oil until translucent. Add kale, cover, and cook until slightly wilted. Combine olive oil, garlic, red wine vinegar, dijon mustard and a pinch of salt in a small bowl and whisk. Combine cooked lentils, sausage, kale, onions, and dressing and toss.


So what are you cooking this winter?

Christmas Time is Hear Ye!

Christmas Eve will find me

Where the love light gleams...

Like I've waxed on about before, music has played a large role in my life this year. It soothes, awakens, enlightens, enthralls, makes clear what is swirly and dark. It has been a gift in my sobriety, a wish I had that has somehow come to be. 

This year, the gift culminates with my first Christmas album with my friend Joe, Christmas Time is Hear Ye! We cover our old and new favorites, from the crooning standards like I'll Be Home for Christmas, to the unconventional carol Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis.

Click here to view the album, or listen via the player below. May your holidays be filled with love and light!

'Tis the Season!

With my birthday so close to Christmas, my family didn't really develop any holiday-centric traditions. Sometimes we give our gifts on Christmas Eve, sometimes we spend the morning playing board games and drinking my father's awful coffee, sometimes we buck Christmas all together and celebrate the Solstice. Every year is special, every year is lovely, but there hasn't been one intentional through line that ties one year to the next.

What I have is an accidental tradition. Very much on a whim one year, my friend Richard and I posed as George and Martha from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? for a Christmas card. Since then, we've recreated scenes as celebrities, iconic duos, and even "ourselves," to wish our friends and families happy holidays. It's frivolous fun, something we look forward to and start preparing for months ahead.

After seven years, this is probably, solidly a tradition. And I didn't realize it until this very moment, but this year, we appropriately chose The Seven Year Itch as our inspiration! Any ideas on who we should portray next year?

George and Martha, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – 2006

Harper and Prior, Angels in America – 2007

 Holly and "Fred," Breakfast at Tiffany's – 2008

"Ourselves" – 2009

Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe – 2010 

 Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick – 2011

 The Girl and Richard, The Seven Year Itch – 2012

10,000 Hours

Music video shoot for a Seattle artist. 

"Ten thousand hours felt like ten thousand hands.

Ten thousand hands, they carry me." – Macklemore

Since making space in my heart and mind earlier this year, incredible things have come to pass. I am relearning language, articulating truths and feeling out honesty. I've explored my own backyard and found beautiful new corners of my city and state. I've learned hard lessons. And most delightful of all, music has bloomed, billowed, exploded. 

How band practice usually starts. 

From helping out at a music video shoot (see above), to crafting a song out some lyrics that came to my head while carrying coffee back to my apartment (I've learned that the voice memo app on iPhones is perfect for capturing words when you don't have a pen and paper), music has suddenly become a very important part of my life. I put the intention out that I wanted more rhythm and joy, and people started knocking on my door. I sang my favorite song at a house party, I recorded some vocal tracks for a friend from high school, I'm slated to record a demo with my bandmate in January. Sometimes it makes my head spin. 

Recording in my childhood bedroom. 

Music has also given me something to hone and practice, to wildly make mistakes and learn from them. As I've written before, I struggle with perfectionism and living within other people's definitions of success. As I log my 10,000 hours, there are rough moments, raw realizations, the potential for me to get hard on myself because I didn't get it right the first time. But those cracks give the light a chance to shine through, and I am grateful for every moment I get to spend making music and mistakes. 

Rocktober!

This has been a month of music for me! I am very lucky to live in a city that lives and breathes music—some of the best musicians in the world call this place home, and many artists make a stop here on their tours.

The month started with Xavier Rudd, an Australian artist with a giant spirit. I stumbled upon his closing prayer at his Bumbershoot set a few years ago, and stood spellbound. He trances with didgeridoos, deep drum beats, and words of healing and love.





Next came Macklemore, who has been making waves around the world with his track Same Love, which supports marriage equality. I've been following Macklemore's career since he started making waves on local nonprofit radio. Now he is suddenly huge, performed to a sold-out audience of 7,500 people, and had the number one album on iTunes for four days. All without a record label. His lyrics are authentic, hilarious, and heartbreaking. If you haven't already, watch the video below. Warning: it WILL make you cry.




The following week, I fulfilled one of my life goals and saw David Byrne in concert. He is currently touring with St. Vincent in support of their collaborative album. The show was a show: choreographed dance moves, crazy lights, and head-filling sound. My friend and I didn't think they would perform any Talking Heads songs, and they performed three of our favorites!





Next up was First Aid Kit. I missed them the first time they came through, but this time I was lucky enough to snag a ticket. Plus, the show was a benefit for 826 Seattle! They cast spells with their music, and sing with voices beyond their years.




Lastly, Lord Huron. I didn't get to go this show because I was sick, but the music is too good not to share. I call it ambient surf rock, lovely harmonies glide with a lilting guitar. Check it out.

How Do You Make Time For It All?

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"What comes first, the compass or the clock? Before one can truly manage time (the clock), it is important to know where you are going, what your priorities and goals are, in which direction you are headed (the compass). Where you are headed is more important than how fast you are going. Rather than focusing on what's urgent, focus on what is important." – Unknown

I run into this problem every once in a while. There are just so many things I want to do! I want to sing in a band, I want a daily yoga practice, I want to write a novel, I want to finish The Artist's Way, I want to give myself a pedicure when I need it, I want to practice Transcendental Meditation, I want to make all my meals from scratch, I want to take horseback riding lessons, I want to regularly contribute this blog. All of these things I know will be good for me demand my attention on a daily basis (except maybe the horseback riding lessons), so how do I make time for it all?

This is another lesson is treating myself gently, and with respect. I can't do everything, but I know these things bring me joy. And joy is where I am headed. So even if I can't do it all, and I can't do it regularly, making more time in my life for simple pleasures—the bead of sweat tickling my back as I move into Downward Dog, the meditative focus of cooking in my kitchen—will remind me in the moment of what joy feels like.

I tend to devote myself entirely to whims, believing each to be my new path in life. This causes rapid fire burnout, like relationships that are all hot sex at the beginning, and then you realize you have nothing in common.

I learned recently that today, this moment, is all I have. So experiencing joy one day at a time seems much more doable than a radical shift in my routine to make room. And eventually, the things I make time for every day will become a part of the routine. I have to start somewhere, why not right now?

Music and Magic

Music has always been, and always will be, a huge part of my life. My earliest memories include the Moody Blues' Knights in White Satin playing at Thanksgiving; my father telling me how much he loves Cyndi Lauper's voice; my brother and I banging on upside-down pots and pans and strumming on rubber band guitars, practicing our favorite songs for our epic band. Despite these promising beginnings, however, I never picked up a proper instrument, until very, very recently.

My mama gifted me her ukulele in December, and I thought that her birthday in July would be the perfect time to unveil what my practicing has yielded. I spent several hours pressing the pads of my fingers into the strings, perfecting the breezy-yet-firm stroke patterns, trying to sync up the singing with the playing. My friend Richard volunteered to accompany me with the piano and voice. Being the incredibly talented person he is, it took him roughly two minutes to pick up the harmony and piano part.

I feel about singing and music the same way I feel about dancing: I relish the kinetic, rhythmic, whole-body expression of joy. I like the way it feels to have my voice trill up my throat and over my tongue.

How do you experience music?

Do You Ever Feel A Little Like Ringo?

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Well, I'm getting happier all the time. Which is very nice. – Ringo Starr 

Over the last month, there's been a lot of excitement around my office. Three women are in their third trimesters of pregnancy, this lovely lady got engaged, a comrade of mine left for her dream job, a coworker is transferring to our other office because her boyfriend got into grad school in that city, and we officially hired three incredible talents. There have been choruses of congratulations and excited ooohing and aaahing as people prepare for their new phases in life.

Meanwhile, I started to feel a little like Ringo. Parading in the background, never getting the ladies, writing songs about octopi. And my immediate reaction to all the excitement is to retreat to my self-pity cave, because none of it is happening to me. This retreat starts a cycle of inactivity, isolation, and escapism that doesn't end until some external force boosts my confidence again. 

This past month, however, I was able to recognize the Ringoisms early on, and I decided to do something about it. I channeled the energy I would have spent on listing out reasons why I'm inadequate into celebrating my coworkers and loved ones. I planned parties, organized gifts, rallied, and raved. Usually, my self pity clouds any attempt at genuine happiness. For the first time in a long while, I felt genuinely happy for another person's accomplishments, and let myself revel in their successes. 

This space of compassion fills my limbs with a glow. It feels so much better than the cold I let reign. 

When Should Revenge be a Motivator?

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters

 compared with what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've had a fantasy recently of proving someone terribly and horribly wrong. In this dream scenario, I receive some kind of accolade, and I dedicate it solely to that person who actively and vocally considers my work to be "awful" and "embarrassing." And I let the world know that this person never believed in me, and I invite them to join me in pointing out their foolishness.

While it is nice to escape into this fantasy every once in a while, it cannot be the sole motivator in my work. Motivation borne out of negativity will poison and sour, drive my work to need to be lauded and applauded by external approvers. Authenticity will be replaced by a rabid hunger to win. 

However, I cannot ignore my renewed drive and focus. So where is the balance? I can channel that energy I have seething under my skin away from revenge, away from the imagined satisfaction that the person comes to their senses (a fantasy in itself), and toward gratitude. Thank you for the motivation, I say. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for reminding me what it is that I love and live and breathe.


And then, I get to work.

It's Okay to Exist in the Gray

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Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything,

That's how the light gets in. – Leonard Cohen

As I have said before, I struggle with perfectionism and living within other people's definition of success. The self-imposed pressure, the constant berating narrative, the disconnect from the present moment.

Opening myself up to my own definition of success, however, has yielded results. It's a tactile existence, recognizing resonances as they hit my chest and feel empowering and wholesome, but also those that don't hit in the right way. I am exploring my world, and realizing very quickly that it is not the black and white universe of haves and have-nots, ares and are-nots, I thought it was before. There is a gray fluidity.

And it is okay to exist in the gray. There are areas in my life in which I revel and celebrate, and there are others that inspire me to work and learn and grow. This is a joyous place to be. 

How do you celebrate the light that you let in? 

Taking Risks

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The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn

and feel and change and grow and love and live. – Leo F. Buscaglia 

Recently, I've been taking small risks. I learn the most when I leave my heart dangling on a limb, ready to be plucked and held close, or left hanging. When I was much younger, I felt a relationship to be the ideal, my ideal. It was what I wanted more than anything, and jealousy burned inside me when I saw my girl friends pair off, most often with boys whom I liked. I would embody self pity with hunched shoulders and a quiet voice, swallowing my feelings and building a wall around myself.

When boys started to show interest, in my early twenties, any and all interactions were catalogued and replayed in my head over and over. Independent of whether I liked the person, I always thought, "Finally, someone. I can stop exhausting myself with worries of being alone." Ultimately, they would lose interest and we would part ways, and it would feel like my ribs had been smashed and were piercing my lungs. I didn't realize at the time that I still had the wall around me, that I was so afraid of losing said person that I didn't take any risks in the relationships. I didn't let the person actually see me, a risk in itself, because I believed if they did, they would leave. And more often than not, they did. 

I got tired, lonely, and resentful, spinning around in circles behind my wall. Any "relationships" I had weren't real; they were pantomimes. Only recently have I begun to be able to bring myself, my true self, to relationships. I realized that being in a relationship for the sake of a relationship wasn't worth it. When I close myself off from the authentic and don't speak up, I am left to fill in the blanks with my own delusions. When I take risks, and ask the hard questions or express how I truly feel, and the result isn't what I intended, it no longer feels as terrible, because I know I did everything I could. I am left with my authentic self, and I'd much rather that than a shadow of something unreal.

L'Heure Bleu

When I get frustrated, I feel a whirring in my head. Right behind my eyes, gears are spinning out of control. Thoughts are cascading and crashing and I try to grind myself back to a place of equilibrium. Some of the time, I grow harsh toward myself, which doesn't help matters at all.

A couple weeks ago on a Friday, the noisy whine of judgment and isolation was consuming me, and I came across a listing for an art opening that night for Yann Novak's Blue.Hour. I read a brief description of the showing, and what caught my eye was that the featured piece was composed of images and sounds captured at Joshua Tree. I am still dreaming of the desert, so I felt compelled to go.

I ventured to Jack Straw New Media Gallery and was greeted by a friendly face who pointed me in the direction of the exhibit. I pulled back a heavy curtain, entered a dark room, and sat on a bench with one other patron. In front of me was a large projection, and enveloping me were a fog of sounds. I fell head first into the piece. 

Production still from Yann Novak's Blue.Hour

The image slowly changed before me, the colors softening and warming. The sounds were otherworldly, like a scored ocean. I felt myself unfurling. The gears righted themselves. This is what I had imagined serenity to be like. 

A distant memory came billowing to the fore. My cousin was about four or five years old and sitting on a stool in my parent's kitchen. One of my aunts found a watercolor paintbrush and started swiping the brush across my cousin's cheeks. Her eyes closed, her long lashes fanned across her face, and her mouth opened into a slight smile. She looked so peaceful, and despite that moment happening more than 12 years ago, the image of her glowing with contentment has stayed with me. 

And this is the power of art. This is what art can do. My mother, a talented artist, raised me to believe and, more importantly, trust in the transformative properties of art. Novak's Blue.Hour changed my unsettled state into a serene one. I felt like I could breath again. 

Visit Novak's website to see video of Blue.Hour, and experience the piece in person at Jack Straw New Media Gallery if you're in the Seattle area.